


Thin

by Niti



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Eating Disorder, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Sad, angsty, i teared up while writing this, sad!louis makes me cry, sighs, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-08
Updated: 2014-03-08
Packaged: 2018-01-15 01:29:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1286110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niti/pseuds/Niti
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Every band has to have an ugly member."</p><p>"Louis Tomlinson."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thin

**Author's Note:**

> Soo this is quite a triggering one shot, I'm sorry! If you are in any way triggered by eating disorders and very graphic thoughts about low self-esteem and putting oneself down, please don't proceed to read if you think it might trigger you.
> 
> But, I do hope that you enjoy :)

_„Every band has to have an ugly member.”_

_„Louis Tomlinson.”_

 

Louis knows he shouldn’t be affected by what people on the internet are saying. He knows he shouldn’t be looking up his name on google and read articles and posts and tweets about himself. He knows that Harry made that mistake back in 2011 and had his all time low because of that, but he can’t help it. He wants to know what people think of him, it’s not his fault. Being famous is way too hard and he sometimes wonders what things would be like if he wouldn’t be famous. But then he thinks of Harry.

Oh, his sweet Harry.

It’s ridiculous because Harry is his boyfriend and Louis should be able to go to him whenever there is something bothering him and worrying his this much, but Louis doesn’t want to bother Harry. He doesn’t want him to know that Louis had googled himself because he knows Harry wouldn’t appreciate it. And he doesn’t want to disappoint Harry like that. He knows that Harry would cooe him through it and kiss away the bad feeling, but he also knows that the bad feeling would come back and he can’t keep bothering Harry with that.

So, there he is, sitting on his hotel bed with his laptop propped up on his lap. He’s scrolling through some posts on twitter that are about him and he feels his stomach clench each time he reads something that’s way too rude and mean. He stares at each tweet for way too long and finds his fingers fidgeting with the covers that he’s sitting on. He feels sick. He knows that there are a lot of wonderful people out there that support him and that appreciate him for everything that he is, but right now he can only find himself focusing on the negative feedback. Louis gulps and furrows his eyebrows together. He’s way too tired.

They have just finished a show in LA and he really should be getting some sleep because they have a long day tomorrow filled with interviews and meetings and such, so he really should be resting. But his eyes are glued on the laptop screen, scrolling through the mean tweets while his teeth are gnawing harshly on the skin of his bottom lip. He doesn’t know why he’s doing this. Maybe because he’s always looking for approval from everyone and when you’re famous, that isn’t a possibility.

He takes in a deep breath and eventually, when the clock shows 3:37 a.m, he manages to close the laptop and put it aside. He stares at his toes with furrowed eyebrows and shakes his head a little bit in disbelief. Is he really everything that those people are saying? Is he really ugly with no talent and a body that’s not anywhere near being fit or beautiful? Swallowing thickly, he rubs his hands over his eyes and lays down on the mattress, tugging the sheets over his body. He feels like going down the hall to Harry’s room, but he knows he can’t. He’s not allowed.

***

The next morning, he doesn’t want to wake up. He feels icky and groggy and he really wants to hit Max, one of their managers who comes in the door and shakes his shoulder to wake him up.

“Louis, it’s time to wake up. We have a interview in an hour and you gotta get ready. Lou is going to do your hair in her room, so go there.” Max says and waits until he can see Louis opening his eyes and give him a small nod before he leaves the room.

Louis rolls over in the bed and stares up at the ceiling with a soft sigh. He really hates being famous sometimes. He hates having to wake up this early and hates having to get ready. He hates ready all those rude tweets about him. At that, he remembers everything he read last night and winces under his breath at the memory. He really should stop making stupid decisions. Sighing, he sits up and ruffles his hair that has way too much hairspray in it from last night and he figures he should catch a shower before he lets Lou touch his hair. He knows she doesn’t appreciate working with dirty, second-day hair.

He bites his lip and gets out of bed before making his way into the bathroom. He closes and locks the door after himself because even though he is in a hotel room, he knows anyone can walk in because their managers have the key card to each of their rooms. It’s just a thing to ‘keep them safe’. He sighs and tugs off the shirt he’s wearing – it’s Harry’s, one that he borrowed just two nights ago and it has stupid holes in it, but he doesn’t mind – before he’s dropping his boxers as well and stepping into the shower.

Well, he’s about to, when he catches a sight of himself in the mirror. He stops and blinks a couple of times as he stares at the reflection of his naked body. He sometimes wonders if mirrors could be lying and just wanting to make you feel bad. He wishes that was the case. But he knows it’s not and he actually looks like that and, unfortunately, he genuinely hates what he sees.

The only thing he can see are thick thighs that are touching even though he doesn’t want them to. He can see tiny stretch marks around his hips and it makes him sick. He can see the pudge of his stomach and he knows that the fans seem to be obsessed with it because apparently it’s ‘adorable’ and ‘cute’, but he just doesn’t see it. He can see the fat hanging around his biceps and his chubby cheeks. He frowns and leans against the counter, although his gaze remains locked on his reflection. He can see his eyes and the stupid crinkles that remind him of wrinkles. He hates the way his eyelids are too big. He can see his lips that are slightly dry and so thin that you could barely see them. He sees everything that he hates and even when he tries, and he really does, he can’t see anything that he would genuinely like about himself. And once he sees everything that he hates, he starts comparing himself to someone. It isn’t hard to find that ‘someone’ to compare himself to. Harry. His own boyfriend. Louis doesn’t understand how someone can be so close to perfection.

Yes, he knows that Harry can find a lot of faults in himself, but he also knows that the boy’s confidence has built up more ever since the x-factor. He remembers how cute and chubby the boy was back then and ever since Harry’s got himself a personal trainer, he’s built up an insane amount of muscle and he’s now more fit than ever. And when Louis finds himself standing next to him, he just wants to hide away because he doesn’t want to embarrass Harry in such a way. He knows that if he hates the way he looks, he should just get himself together and workout or get on a diet or something, but he can’t bring himself to do that. He can just slump around and feel disgusted with himself. Louis doesn’t even realize how long he’s been in the bathroom until he hears a knock on the door.

“Louis? What are you doing in there?” he hears Harry’s voice. “Lou needs to do your hair before we go and we only have half an hour until the interview. You okay?”

He hates how sweet Harry’s voice is. He hates how the boy has no idea that on the other side of the door, his boyfriend is putting himself down so much and thinking of only negative, mean thoughts. He sighs and dresses himself again because there’s no time for a shower now. Lou’s going to have to use dry shampoo or something.

“Yeah, sorry. I’m okay, I just shaved.” He calls out because yeah, he can use that as an excuse. He shaved last morning and his still doesn’t have much of a stubble. Opening the door, he comes face-to-face with his boyfriend and smiles up at him. “Sorry if I worried you.” He chuckles and watches as Harry gives him a fond smile and leans down then to press a kiss on top of his head.

“It’s okay. Lou was just stressing out because she thought she wouldn’t be able to do your hair in time.” He murmurs and pulls Louis over to the bed, sitting him down so that Lou could start working on his hair.

“I have second day hair, Lou. I hope that’s alright?” Louis says and glances up at the woman briefly, who just smiles and nods a little bit while already reaching out for the dry shampoo bottle.

“Of course it’s okay. Harry has second day hair all the time and I can actually work better with dry shampoo.” She says as she runs her fingers through Louis’ hair while spraying the dry shampoo to the roots of his hair. “Gives me a better chance to style every piece of hair. S’not as easy when it’s clean and soft and fluffy.”

Louis nods a bit and scrunches up his nose when he gets a sniff of the shampoo. He looks up then and sees Harry sitting across from him on an armchair with a plate of food in front of him and his iPhone in his hands. “Don’t tell me you’re going to tweet something absolutely ridiculous about a simple plate of scrambled eggs, H.” He grunts and raises his eyebrows expectantly.

Harry glances up and only offers him a cheeky grin. “You’ll just have to wait and see.” He says simply before putting his phone down and picking up his plate. He leans back against the chair and eyes Louis. “Did you have your breakfast yet?” he asks as he eats his scrambled eggs.

Louis thinks about it for a moment. It’s not uncommon for either of them to not have eaten anything in the morning, but then Harry would most likely offer his scrambled eggs to him and Louis just... he isn’t feeling hungry but at the same time he doesn’t want to lie to the younger boy. He doesn’t see another way though. “Yeah, already had my breakfast. Some fruits and a protein bar.” He murmurs.

The curly-haired boy smiles and nods a little before focusing on his breakfast again.

And Louis feels really bad for lying to the boy. Even if it’s just a tiny lie, he knows that he could start lying like that just because and it could become a habit. It could become something bad and he doesn’t even want to think about that. He closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath as he tries to focus his mind elsewhere. But it’s much more harder than he would’ve imagined.

***

When the day ends and Louis finds himself in the hotel room again, he realizes he hasn’t eaten anything throughout the day. Sure, there has been days where he hasn’t eaten anything before, but then it usually has been because he hasn’t gotten the time.

Now, he knows exactly why he hasn’t eaten anything the whole day. He knows, but he doesn’t want to think about it. He knows, but he thinks that it makes him look like a freak. Like a attention-seeking person who doesn’t even really have a eating disorder. Maybe he was going to develop one, but he doesn’t have one yet. So, he has no reason to complain. No reason what so ever.

As soon as he gets back to his room, he sighs heavily and closes his eyes, his hands covering his face. He shakes his head a little in disbelief to himself. He feels so dirty and disgusted with himself that he doesn’t even know what to do anymore. He has his mind set on one thing now, though. One thing that’s certain. He isn’t going to eat. He feels disgusted by food at this point and even just the thought of it makes him cringe. He’s pushed away every thought of it and although, yes, his stomach keeps grumbling, but he ignored it. He doesn’t need it.

He pushes himself away from the door after a while and walks over to the bathroom. He turns the light on and glances up at the mirror. He knows it’s ridiculous to expect to see any results at this point because it’s only the first day when he’s gone without eating anything, but he still needs to check. When he faces the chubby cheeks and thick thighs again, he cringes and turns away to saunter back into the room.

He sits on his bed for a while as he drums his fingertips on his knees and gnaws on his bottom lip. He feels helpless. He doesn’t know what to do with himself. He knows he should look for help because then people will only think that he’s insane and he doesn’t need that. Louis decides that he needs to write about this. If he doesn’t want to tell anyone about this, he can at least write about it. He digs through the drawers of the nightstand and finds a notebook with the hotel’s logo on it. He isn’t bothered by it because he just needs it to be empty and lined, which it is. He finds a pen as well and walks into the bathroom once more. He drops all his clothes before pulling out the scale beneath the sink.

He doesn’t want to face the number, but he knows he has to. He sighs heavily and steps onto the scale, keeping his head up and clenching his hands into fists so firmly that he can feel his fingernail digging into the palm of his hands and it gives a small sting, but he doesn’t care. He keeps his eyes squeezed shut because he’s genuinely afraid of looking down at the number that shows up on the scale. After five minutes have passed, he finally looks down and swallows thickly.

125 pounds.

_125 pounds._

Louis feels his stomach clench at that and he shakes his head in disbelief. That’s a lot. He whimpers under his breath and quickly steps off the scale, watching the number drop back to zero. He pushes the scale back underneath the sink and grabs the pen then. His nose scrunches up a little bit as he begins to write on the first page.

**3rd of January. 2014. Current weight: 125 lbs. Goal weight: ~~pretty~~ thin. Calorie intake: 0**

Louis puts the pen down then and takes in a deep breath as he bites down on his bottom lip. He sighs and rubs a hand over his face before he’s shaking his head in disbelief once again. He’s really quite fucked up, isn’t he? He wishes he wasn’t. He wishes he would be perfect, just like Harry. Even though he knows that the boy doesn’t think of himself like that. But Louis does and he knows that Harry thinks he is perfect, but still. Louis would, for once, be happy with what he would see in the mirror. For once he would like to not be ashamed of standing next to his boyfriend, his Harry, in fear of being compared to him. In fear of embarrassing him with the way he looked and people not understanding why Harry would even give him the time of day.

Louis glances up when he hears his phone ringing on the ground, in the pocket of his jeans. He sighs a little and closes the notebook before leaning down and grabbing his phone. He blinks a couple of times when he sees Harry’s name and a silly photo flashing on the screen of his iPhone. He smiles just a tiny bit as he answers and brings the phone up to his ear.

“I thought you’d be sleeping already. It’s been a long day and you fell asleep in the car babe,” he chuckles softly and gathers his clothes from the floor.

“I can’t fall asleep. Could you come over?”

“You know I can’t babe, I wish I could. But you know we’re not allowed.”

“I think it’s ridiculous. Who would find out if we spent a night together? We have security everywhere.” Harry whines and Louis can’t help but to smile at his childish tone.

“They’ve found out before. You shouldn’t underestimate our fans, they’re basically like FBI.”

“I know, they’re amazing.”

“They really are.”

“Mhmm...”

There’s a silence and as Louis drops his clothes onto his suitcase, he hears some shuffling from the other side of the line. He raises his eyebrows a bit and grabs the notebook and pen from the bathroom counter.

“Lou?”

“Yeah, love?”

“I miss you.”

“You saw me less than an hour ago, Harry.”

“I know, but I still miss you. I don’t like spending the night alone in a hotel room.”

“Well, lucky for you we’re getting back on the tour bus tomorrow so then we can sleep in the same bunk bed.”

“And no one will be able to stop us.”

“Exactly.”

“... Are you okay, Lou? You seemed sort of off today.”

“I’m completely fine, babe. It’s just been a busy few days and I’m completely worn out.” And it isn’t a complete lie. They have been really, really busy for the past few days and he is tired. He’s also tired because he hasn’t consumed any calories today. He’s consumed water, sure, but that doesn’t have any calories.

“Oh, I understand. I’m tired too and I wish we could cuddle.”

“Harry, we already talked about that. I can’t come over, even though I wish I could.”

“I wish that could... What are you doing? Like right now? Right this second?”

“Um, Harry...?”

“Just answer me.”

“I’m getting into bed. Why?”

“I don’t know. I just wanted to know.”

Louis’ lips twitch in amusement as he shakes his head. “You’re ridiculous, Harry. You know that?”

“Yeah, but you still love me. And my ridiculousness.”

“I do, but I don’t know why.” He sighs as he tucks himself up in his bed and bites down on his bottom lip. He reaches out and turns the light off on the nightstand, letting the room fall into complete darkness. “Harry?” he murmurs softly.

“Yeah, love?”

“Can you... Can you sing to me? You used to do that back when I couldn’t fall asleep on my own.”

“I remember. Uh, okay. Yeah, I can sing for you. What do you want me to sing?”

Louis shrugs a bit before remembering that oh, Harry can’t actually see him right now. “I don’t know... You choose.”

“Alright...” Louis can hear amusement in Harry’s voice. There’s another silence, before he can hear Harry beginning to sing. “ _Every time that you get undressed, I hear symphonies in my head. I wrote this song just looking at you, o-oh, yeah the drums they swing low and the trumpets there you go._ ”

“Harry! Not that kind of a song!” Louis laughs from the other end of the line.

“ _And the trumpets there you go.._ ”

“Harry, stop it!”

“ _Yeah, the trumpets there you go._ ”

“Seriously, you’re killing me.”

“Okay, okay... I’m sorry. I won’t do that again, just thought it was funny.”

“It actually was quite funny, good job.”

“I learned from the best.”

“Hm? And who exactly was that?”

“My wonderful boyfriend.”

“Yeah... We really should go to sleep now, though. Both of us. Otherwise we won’t be able to get up tomorrow.”

“Probably.. Good night darling, I love you.”

“I love you too, see you in the morning.”

He hears Harry laugh lightly and do some sort of a stupid kissy noise into the phone before the line goes dead and Louis sighs a bit. He loves Harry a lot and talking to him like that for even just ten minutes made him forget about the way he’s ready to physically destroy himself.

***

**5th of January. 2014. Current weight: 122 pounds. Goal weight: thin. Calorie intake: 35.**

**_Note: i had to eat a protein bar. it sucked._**

***

**12th of January. 2014. Current weight: 117 pounds. Goal weight: thin. Calorie intake: 5.**

**_Note: i ate a candy today. it didn’t taste like anything and i felt sick._ **

***

**20th of January. 2014. Current weight: 110 pounds. Goal weight: thin. Calorie intake: 0.**

**_Note: i didn’t eat anything today because tomorrow’s Zayn’s birthday. im scared. i don’t want to eat, but i have to go to his party. and there’ll be a lot of food._ **

***

Louis really doesn’t feel comfortable. He had used the chance when everyone else were in the front of the tour bus playing video games to weigh himself and write in his notebook again. He then tucks his notebook underneath the mattress of his bunk bed and walks back to where everyone else are. He knows that it’s Zayn’s birthday the following day and he’s really scared because there’s going to be a party and people and food. Lots of it. He’s been able to cover up his weight loss by layering lots of clothes and he’s thankful that it’s January and it’s not hot. Because usually, it’s really hot, but they’re in Seattle and it’s just good that he can wear a lot of clothes without people thinking it’s weird because of the temperature. The temperature is just good. And that’s why he figures that no one has noticed how much thinner he’s actually gotten and he’s happy about that, really. He doesn’t want any attention on that.

Louis hums softly as he sits down beside Harry and pulls his feet up onto the red, leather couch. He tucks himself against the other boy’s side and glances over at the screen then.

“What are you doing?” he laughs lightly as he sees that Harry and Niall are playing Mario kart. It’s adorable, really.

“I’m winning, Lou!” Harry chirps as he pokes his tongue out of his mouth and Louis nearly coos at the sight. He’s really adorable. “I’m so much more better than Niall, ha! I’m winning it, mate!”

Niall only rolls his eyes and leans his elbows forward on his knees, as if that is going to help him get pass Harry in the race. “Oi, just a beginner’s luck. If we’re gonna do rainbow road, I’m gonna kick ass. Trust me!” he calls out in his Irish accent and Louis just rolls his eyes.

“I challenge you for rainbow road, Horan.” Louis says and raises his eyebrows as Niall looks over at him, which causes him to fall off the road in the race.

Beside Louis, Harry is hollering because he came first in the race and before Louis or Niall even realize it, Harry is jumping around and doing sort of an awkward dance which probably should be considered the ‘victory dance’. Louis looks up at Harry and laughs lightly as he rolls his eyes and leans back against the couch a bit more.

“My boyfriend is an idiot.” He muses and hums softly before he’s biting his lip and crossing his legs Indian style.

Harry grins at Louis and leans down to press their lips together in a soft kiss before he’s pulling away and reaching over to grab one of the tacos that Liam had brought in earlier before going out with Liam.

“You want one?” he asks and Louis gulps, but quickly regains himself and shakes his head.

“No, thanks. I ate earlier, so much. Way too full, babe.” He grins and pats his stomach before motioning for Harry to sit back down beside him. The younger boy does, and Louis curls back into his side. Louis genuinely feels comfortable against Harry’s side, though he does feel guilty.

He watches as the boy plays xbox with Niall and later on he plays cards with their crew guys. He seems so happy and he doesn’t even know what Louis is doing to himself. But for the sake of Harry himself, he doesn’t want to tell him either. He doesn’t want to see that look of panic or disappoint or guilt on his face. He doesn’t want him to know that Louis’ dropped on a level so low, that he’s ready to destroy his own boy just to be happy with what he sees in the mirror. So, he just sits there with a water bottle in his hands and his stomach feeling hollow.

***

It’s Zayn’s birthday party and Louis doesn’t know what to think. He’s dressed himself in a pair of black jeans, his white converse, a white t-shirt with some writing on it and a black blazer. He’s thankful that the birthday is being celebrated in a club where it isn’t really possible to see how much he’d lost weight. If they were in daylight, it’d be so easy to see it with the way his clothes were almost clingy to his form. But since the club is dark and only flashes of neon lights fall on the bodies every now and then, it isn’t really that obvious.

He’s standing by the bar and looking around unsurely. He knows he should probably have a drink or something to loosen himself up, but he can’t. He knows that alcohol is bad and has the biggest amount of calories in it, so he isn’t willing to take the risk. He’s just hoping that someone isn’t going to come and offer him a drink-

“Hey, love. I’ve been looking for you.” Harry murmurs softly against the shell of his ear and Louis’ lips twitch a little bit at that.

He turns around and smiles up at the younger boy. Harry’s hair is a mess, he’s wearing a tight button-up shirt which is already buttoned down half-way and he’s wearing those tight jeans that look like they’re painted on his legs. He looks good. Perfect, even.

Louis shrugs. “I’ve been here the whole time.” He says simply.

Harry nods a bit and snaps his fingers at the bartender. “Can we get two vodka shots?” he asks and after receiving a small nod, he looks back down at Louis with a soft smile. He brings his hands up and cups Louis’ cheeks to bring his face closer. “I love you.”

Louis shakes his head at that and pulls away slightly. “Harry, there are people around. We can’t.” He says and smiles a bit as he pokes Harry’s side before he’s taking the shot that the bartender hands him. He sighs and straightens himself up a little bit before downing the shot in one go. He squeezes his eyes shut and scrunches up his nose as he puts the glass down. “Shit, it’s strong.” He mumbles and rolls his eyes a bit before looking up at Harry who’s looking at him with a slightly amused expression.

“Looks like someone hasn’t had alcohol in a while. It’s not that strong.” He smiles before brushing Louis’ fringe out of his eyes and offering his own shot towards the boy. “Want mine too?”

Louis feels how sick his stomach gets and the way his throat burns, but he finds himself nodding slightly and takes the glass anyway. He downs that shot as well and scrunches up his nose slightly at the feeling. It’s strong, obviously, but he doesn’t mind. Harry orders himself two shots as well and downs them before the party carries on. The whole club sings ‘Happy Birthday’ to Zayn and then they continue to dance the night away.

The boy with the messy, brownish hair finds himself stumbling out of the club before anyone else and makes his way to the tour bus. He stumbles into the bathroom and throws up every bit of alcohol he consumed that night. He feels sick and it takes a good five minutes until his stomach feels proper empty once again. Just the way he feels like is right. He hovers above the toilet a few more minutes before he’s standing up and grunting.

He flushes and turns to the sink then, washing his mouth and brushing his teeth. He feels absolutely horrible. When he’s done with that, he straightens himself up again and sighs as he looks at himself from the mirror. He shrugs off his blazer and lifts his shirt up, looking at his stomach. His pudgy stomach is long gone and his hipbones are sticking out underneath the waistband of his jeans. He can nearly see his ribs, his collarbones are jutting out and he’s obviously dropped a lot.

But, he wants more.

He doesn’t feel like it’s enough, so he wants more. And he won’t stop until he feels like he’s satisfied with what he’s faced with in the mirror. He sighs and tugs his shirt lower again before he’s strutting out of the bathroom and crawling up into his bunk bed. He grabs his notebook and pen from beneath his mattress, scrolling through the pages before stopping and craving three words into a completely blank page next to the page with his last update.

**I FEEL SICK**

***

It’s the day before Harry’s birthday. They’re back in London and while Harry is out buying some groceries, Louis and the lads have gathered in their apartment to discuss Harry’s birthday plans.

It’s the 31st of January and Louis has lost even more weight. He’s down to about 97 pounds now and everyday he feels more and more sick, but he can’t bring himself to stop. He feels the need to lose more weight and yes, he knows that each possible bone is sticking out and he looks like death himself and this is probably damaging his health more than necessary, but still. He can’t stop.

He’s just taking a shower as he hears the doorbell ring and Zayn’s voice ringing through the front door. He groans and rolls his eyes before he’s grabbing a towel and covering himself up. He bites down on his bottom lip and completely forgets about the fact that no one has seen his body for a moment because Zayn keeps ringing the door bell and it’s getting on his nerves more than anything.

“For fuck’s sakes, Zayn! Hold on!” he groans as he walks down the hall to the front door and opens it then. “Jesus, how fucking impatient can you be? I was shower, god dammit, and- “

“Lou...” Zayn breathes out, cutting Louis off completely and making him frown.

“What?” he asks before glancing down at himself, his eyes widening in realization. Oh.

“Fuck.” He whispers and shakes his head before practically running backwards and struggling to keep himself up because his knees are shaking and his heart is pounding wildly against his chest.

He tries to make an escape to the bathroom, but Zayn manages to grab his forearm and pull him back. “Oh no you don’t.” He says firmly and pulls the boy close to his chest, his eyebrows furrowing as he looks at Louis who is squirming and pleading in his arms. “Louis! Please, calm down. I’m not going to hurt you.”

“Please, just forget you saw anything, please, please, please. Please don’t tell anyone and just forget about it. Please don’t let anyone know. I’m begging you, Zayn, I-“ Louis rambles on, but Zayn just shakes his head and brings his hands up and cups Louis’ cheeks.

“Louis, calm down, please. Don’t freak out, I need you to calm down.” Zayn says, but Louis isn’t having any of it. His secret is revealed and he knows for sure that Zayn isn’t going to keep it to himself. Plus, all the other lads are coming over soon enough and that thought makes him even sick. He whimpers before he feels his eyes rolling to the back of his head and his body collapsing onto the floor.

He’s so weak and his body is physically so done that he can’t even find himself to stay up or conscious. Everything goes black and he collapses onto the floor, his body completely limp.

***

**1st of February. 2014. Current weight: 96 pounds. Goal weight: you’re perfect, Lou. Calorie intake: Does it matter?**

**_Note:_ **

_you know, people say that the people who seem the happiest are the saddest on the inside. I never thought that would be the case with you, love. You always seemed so genuinely happy, inside and out. Plus, you hate stupid clichés, so I figured it couldn’t be true with you. You helped me through all my lows and you never seemed to have any. And even if you did, you never talked about them. Which hurts me, but this isn’t about me. When i got a phone call from Zayn telling me what happened, i couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that my Lou, my perfect little Louis, would do something like that. I got to the hospital as soon as I could and when i saw you laying here like that... Lou, im so sorry. Im so sorry that i didn’t notice you doing something like this to yourself. I wish i would’ve. I wish i would’ve been a better boyfriend. I wish you would’ve been comfortable enough talking about this with me. Of course, i never imagined spending my birthday like this, but if this means getting you better and making sure that you’re going to be okay, then be it. I know now, Louis, and it won’t change. Im going to help you, im going to be there for you. Im going to take care of you. You’re perfect, Louis. You’re beautiful, gorgeous and perfect. Amazing. Stunning. I love you. -Harry._

Louis is both shocked and surprised. He isn’t sure what he is supposed to do and say now. He feels his heart clench. Harry found his notebook and had pulled a cross over all of the updates he had been making for the past month. He takes in a deep breath and shakes his head in disbelief as he shifts a little bit on the hospital bed. He glances up when he hears the door open and bites down on his bottom lip softly. Harry is standing there with a water bottle in his hand and a gentle smile on his face. Louis gulps as he sits up a bit more straighter and furrows his eyebrows.

“Harry...” he whispers, but the younger boy just shakes his head. The boy with the curly hair walks closer and puts the water bottle down before he’s leaning down and leaning their foreheads together. He cups Louis’ cheeks and presses their lips together.

“I know. I love you,” he whispers. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you. I’m here now, though. And I’ll always be here for you from now on. It be easy to get back on track, but we’re going to fight hard.”

 

THE END.


End file.
